After the Nov. 7-8 snow delays and closures prevented many students from attending classes, UCCS opened enrollment to the myriad of winter animals that abruptly took up residence in Colorado Springs.
The snow proved inviting to herds, flocks and packs of animals such as caribou, polar bears, wolves, ptarmigans and, according to some reports, a squirrel preoccupied with chasing an acorn.
According to biology professor Frostie Fallon, the migration is the result of global warming forcing animals who thrive in cold weather to seek out chilly places for their habitats.
“The earth is getting hotter, so they’re looking for whatever snowy spots they can get,” she said. “It’s only natural that once they move to a safer location, they open themselves up to ambition and aspire to education.”
When the sun inevitably melted the snow and returned Colorado Springs to its standard arid, dusty climate, students returned to campus only to find that many of their slots had been taken by arctic animals.
“There’s a fox in my favorite desk in my calculus class, and he’s wearing my glasses,” freshman physics major Dore Matt said. “I think my professor called him my name the other day.”
The animals proved disappointed with the sudden melting of all their snow, with many voicing concerns about where to go next.
“AAAAUAUUGHGHGHGHGHGHGHNN,” said a moose.
The snowmelt prompted a mass animal evacuation from campus in what many called a “winter stampede.” Multiple students who were trying to argue their way back into UCCS were caught up in the tumult.
One snow tiger was seen hissing something that sounded approximately like “long live the king” as he shoved another snow tiger off the clock tower into the frenzy. Other witnesses caught glimpses through the dust of what appeared to be the squirrel from earlier still chasing an acorn.
While the animal evacuation meant UCCS could begin returning things to normal, the architectural damage and massive amount of animal droppings meant the whole school had to close for maintenance to fully restore the campus to a livable and workable learning space.
“I love animals, but maybe next time let’s not panic about enrollment so hard,” Fallon said, throwing away a pile of chewed up syllabi. “We can wait two days for the humans to come back.”
Almost all of the animals are gone, but a couple of witnesses insist that the squirrel is still around somewhere chasing his acorn. In other news, the massive crack running all the way down Columbine was traced to a small acorn-shaped hole in the roof.
Caribou. Photo courtesy of Neil Shea.