After mysteriously disappearing from campus last week, Clyde was released from treatment at the Wellness Center Friday morning. Clyde was battered and bruised after being allegedly kidnapped by a group of angry wild mountain lions.  

Clyde was discharged 83 hours after being found. The Scribe’s Kaylie Imposter spoke with Clyde in an exclusive interview, during which he shared details of his terrifying encounter.  

Q: Hi Clyde, I hope you are feeling better. Can you tell me some of the circumstances surrounding your kidnapping? 

A: I had just left training for the Big Cat race against Nuggets’ Super Mascot Rocky with my buddy Boomer. Boomer is always super energized after practices, but I prefer to decompress with a nice walk while I watch the sunset. So, in typical post-practice fashion, we hiked up the trail behind the Rec Center so Boomer could run more laps, and so I could collect wildflowers on my way to The Lodge for dinner. 

Boomer ran off down the hill when I got distracted by one especially gorgeous little purple flower. Next thing I know, three mountain lions had stalked down the bluff and were staring right at me. I was all like, “What’s up?” and stood up on my back feet to greet them like normal people do. Then boom – one of them pounces on me and puts a bag over my head while the other two tie up my hands and feet.  

Q: Wow Clyde, that sounds really scary. Did you try to defend yourself? 

A: What? Defend myself? I was declawed years ago. They thought I was just trying to be playful when I swatted back. I heard one of them say, “Look, he thinks it’s a game.” And then he started rubbing my tummy like humans do. So messed up.  

Q: I thought my cat likes tha— You know what, never mind. What happened next? 

A: Basically, they carried me to the top of the bluffs over campus and then gave me this whole speech about how it’s not fair that I get a jersey and that my head is too big for my body. Pure jealousy, really.  

Q: Aren’t mountain lions solitary? Why were these three together? 

A: Apparently, they run some association that is supposed to restore the order of cat-ness. They don’t like cats and humans hanging out. Alex the Lion, Katniss from “Hunger Games,” even Puss in Boots and Tony the Tiger are on their hit list. They’re trying to take out high-profile cats to keep us cut off from humans.  

Q: Why?  

A: They said that we need to bring back the ancient Egyptian style of cat-worship. Sounds to me like these guys don’t get enough Fancy Feast. I didn’t tell them about my giant scratching post in the University Center, as I thought it would be in poor taste.  

I really think they were just mad because they tried to start a club on campus and were denied since they only had three members.  

Q: What was their goal in kidnapping you?  

A: I set the example for many cats who want to unite with humans. They want to snuff out my light.  

Q: Do you lead meetings for big cats or something? 

A: No. Clyde the Mountain Lion is a household name in the cat world. Google me.  

Q: OK … Anyway, how did you escape?  

A: They told me I had to make it out alive from a three-on-one catfight. We all know I can’t fight; I am a lover. And I couldn’t get the ropes off of my limbs, so the only logical answer was to log roll down the hill.  

Q: Clyde, you log rolled from the top of the bluffs down to campus? Didn’t that hurt? 

A: It  sure did. I’ve done it before. It’s the fastest way to get from Osborne to Columbine. 

Q: I guess it makes sense that you stayed in the Wellness Center for so long! What was the extent of your injuries? 

A: A couple splinters and a bruised knee. Campus Police kept me at the Wellness Center in witness protection until they found my kidnappers.  

Q: Oh. Cool. What did you learn from your experience? 

A: Wild cats are feral! Always licking their paws and stuff. Also, I learned that Boomer is a bad friend. I was held captive for 17 hours, and he was still running laps when I made it back down to campus. He didn’t even realize I was missing. It’s all that pre-workout; it fries your brain. 

Clyde is planning to write a book about his experience. He will be leading a GPS course on how to pick flowers safely in Fall 2025.