I’ve noticed recently that student journalists are far too opinionated. Like, no one wants to hear about your take on AI, we’ve heard it all before.  

This opinion epidemic is clearly demonstrated by one Scribe reporter who just won’t shut u— Zee O’Donnell. They just won’t stop writing opinions for some second-rate student newspaper called the Scribe. I, Dee O’Zonnell, am here to put them in their place — maybe then they’ll stop trying to push their nonsensical opinions on everyone else. 

“Rockin’ around the plastic Christmas tree this season” is pathetic. We get it, you have allergies. No one cares. Have fun with your plastic, we’re going to enjoy the holiday how it was meant to be enjoyed. 

“Stop speculating about celebrity sexuality” is low-key embarrassing for you. Celebrities are the last people who need to be defended. Let their die-hard fans do it for you. I would never be caught lacking like you. 

“Stop assigning homework over spring break” is literally done to death. Everyone knows that students don’t want to do homework over their breaks. The professors clearly don’t care, and you aren’t changing anyone’s mind. Next! 

You’ve heard of the out-of-touch influencer, get ready for the out-of-touch college student. “The COVID-19 lockdown taught us what matters most” is laughable. We get it, you had a great pandemic experience because your anxiety-riddled self didn’t have to talk to anyone. Hello, privilege! Breaking news: for most people, the lockdown sucked. Get a reality check.  

“Leave classic books in the past” was just boring. We get it, you’re still reading YA boarding school secret society murder mysteries with the same exact plot over and over again. Don’t take it out on Jane Austen. And I, Dee O’Zonnell, love Shakespeare. You have to examine works within their time period. 

“Candy Corn needs to be outlawed from Halloween” is just a scream for attention. You are not getting anyone to give up this candy by writing 367 pitiful words. Calm down. Just don’t buy it instead of yapping so much.  

“We should get rid of the term ‘pick-me’” is just sad. We get it, you have a hard time making female friends. Maybe go outside for once instead of playing video games all day. Plus, this is like the billionth time you’ve said “I’m tired” of something in these opinions. Meanwhile, I’m tired of you. 

As for “Stop making staff and faculty pay for parking” and “Meeting university administration shouldn’t be a privilege for students,” I only have one thing to say. Why are you so determined to criticize the administration every Spring? It’s literally scholarship season. Are you trying to go into debt? 

All of these opinions speak to a larger problem, people having too much time and too many feelings. You should focus more on not caring about anything at all! That’s what I do. I prefer to be comfortably emotionally numb in the face of adversity. If you care about their nonsense, then they’ve won. Stop letting Big Emotion make you feel things.  

Photo by Timon Studler on Unsplash.